Always a… Never a Girlfriend

by: Samantha Brennan

I have been many things: 

A friend 

A girl

His girl

An FWB (friends with benefits) 

A potential, future girlfriend 

An I-don’t-know-what-to-call-her

Her girl 

Her person 

And finally, her love 

But never once have I been a girlfriend.

I used to think it was me. I am not girlfriend material. I am emotionally unstable. I like being alone. While all of these things are true, they are not the reason for my perpetual status of not-a-girlfriend. This is dating in the new age. 

My first experience of new age dating occurred when I was a freshman in high school. Back then, I was a little boy-crazy. Okay, a lot boy-crazy. It wasn’t so much that I liked a lot of boys, because as I recently came to realize, I am a lesbian. It was more so a desire for boys to like me. 

So, I talked to a lot of boys. I flirted with them and went out on dinner dates and basement movie dates with them. I met their parents and their friends. There was touching, kissing, and sex, but never a relationship. This is because in high school, girls are expected to find a boyfriend, but boys are told to have fun. Boys should not have girlfriends, but rather girl-friends. Many of them. And so, that is what I was, a girl-friend, a practice girl, an experiment. 

What me and these boys were doing was not dating, it was talking. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend; we were a thing. A love-free, expectation-free, no-strings-attached thing, because “catching feelings” is not a part of the gen z or millennial agenda. 

Millennials, as Rolling Stone has aptly described us, are “commitment-phobic, sex-starved, and Tinder-obsessed.” We create trends, labels, and rules to avoid emotional connections. 

I had always thought that this was just a high school phase. I thought that after graduation we would all mature, that our things would eventually evolve into real relationships. But I was mistaken. 

As I got older, the labels only increased. The term “talking” was replaced with the much more sophisticated, “hanging out,” or for more sexual relations, “hooking up.” It seemed to me that with age, the line between girlfriend and anything but girlfriend became blurrier and blurrier. 

Millennials, Gen-Zs, and all of the other younger generations have taken every facet of a relationship and shoved it under the newest socially acceptable umbrella term: “friends with benefits.” 

I am sure you’ve all heard of this term. Some of you may have been a friend with benefits, otherwise known as an FWB, yourself. But for those of you who have not heard of this term or have never experienced it yourself, I will do my best to explain. As it appears to be at the forefront of new age dating and a vital step to finding a partner in these complicated times. 

According to Psychology Today, a FWB arrangement is a casual relationship that involves both friendship and sex.

A FWB is not to be confused with a casual hook-up. Similar to a relationship, FWBs are first and foremost friends. They enjoy talking to one another and maybe even grabbing coffee or lunch. A FWB is a person who you can text late at night for a quick hook-up after a long day of work, but also have a pre-sex chat with about that annoying co-worker who just won’t stop flirting with the customers. 

While every FWB arrangement is different, each has its own set of rules in place to ensure that the number one rule is never broken: No falling in love. 

For example, about four months ago when a close friend and I decided to take our friendship to FWB status, we agreed on a pre-set list of rules: No sleepovers, no cuddling, and no PDA, as they were breeding grounds for emotional intimacy. Sex was to be for physical pleasure only, no feelings. Drinks and food may be shared with one another on occasion, but no dates. Talking was allowed, but must be preceded with or followed by sex. Texting was also permitted, but should remain primarily sex focused with a dash of day-to-day life updates. And, just to stress its importance, no feelings allowed. 

I would typically arrive at her place very late, between the hours of 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. My hair would be curled, legs shaved, and makeup done. I wore nice shorts, a lace bra, and a tank top. 

To fulfill the friends portion of FWB, we would always chat before and after having sex. Topics ranged anywhere from workday complaints to ex-girlfriend stories to family history. Shoulder massages and post-sex snacks were apart of our nightly routine. Immediately after sex, snacks, and shoulder massages, I would grab my keys, give her an uncomfortably distant side-hug goodbye, and then head home. 

This system worked well for us. However, as time went on, our rules became more flexible, our friendship more lenient. 

I began leaving later. 12:45 a.m. turned into 1:30 a.m. Next thing I knew, I was pulling out of the alleyway at 3 in the morning after two hours of talking and one hour of sex. Before leaving for the night, I would do dishes, fold some clothes, and let the dog out, as friends do. 

Sleepovers, while previously forbidden, began to slip into our routine as well. In the morning, we would drink coffee on the couch while watching the news. It was after sex, of course, so no rules had been broken. She would get a shower while I made the bed and cleaned up the living room.

Sometimes I would swing by the grocery store on my way to the house. Other times we would just go together. One cart, but separate transactions, because you know, boundaries.

We were friends and FWBs. Having pre-sex talks, doing dishes, letting the dog out, going to the store, and sharing morning coffee on the couch after nightly sleepovers did not make me a girlfriend. It also did not make me an FWB. I became an I-don’t-know-what-to-call-her. 

I gained a few more titles after that one: a girl, a friend, her girl, and most recently, her love, but still not her girlfriend. 

Why? Because what we were doing was not dating. We were not in a relationship. We were having fun. It just so happened that our fun looked a lot like a relationship.

Young people today don’t have relationships, they have hook-ups, hangouts, FWBs, things, flings, and girl-friends. 

And so I am, and will continue to be, not-a-girlfriend. 

Image from Samantha Brennan