Preference or Prejudice? — REFINE Magazine

By: Camillia Benjamin

Alright, ladies, let’s be real. Preferences are bogus. They attack one’s self-love and confidence and they have also become a tool used to belittle women, especially Black women. So buckle up and grab some popcorn; let’s get into it.

Black women have been erased from the narrative time and time again. We get told we’re too bossy, ghetto, loud, and just all around not attractive. And yet, it seems other women are being praised for the same if not more extreme qualities and they get called passionate, loving, protective.

Mmm, sounds like internalized racism to me but, let’s move on.

One uses the “it’s just a preference” argument to justify their borderline racist behavior and hide their weird and sickening fetishes. There is a fine line between gravitating to a particular person naturally and having preferences based on racist and colorist attitudes.

Dating while being Black in this day and age starts as an exhausting game of cat and mouse. It’s always a thought that lingers in the back of your mind, “Do they like Black girls?” before making a move or receiving a move. I even do it myself. Unfortunately, this has become so inherent that it comes to mind every single time.

Let’s take a minute to think about this. Why would I want to put my all into being vulnerable and starting a relationship with someone if they’re just going to turn around and claim I’m not their type without ever getting to know me? It’s scary to go through, so I’ve decided not to.

Sarah McDuff, a junior advertising major, poses this question, “What perception do you already have of me because I’m black?”

I’ve heard that I’m “doing too much” or that I’m “extra,” and I would see men be with White or NB POC women who were more “extra” than I was. In the same breath, they claimed they liked those qualities about them. It’s almost like, or actually, it is hypocrisy, but it’s all due to an underlying prejudice men hold against Black women.

Just say you hate us and go on with your day because being in a constant debate is exhausting, and honestly, it’s not the job of Black women to educate men on how to be a, how do you put it, ah yes, a decent person.

There are so many layers of these prejudices to unpack. You have those who just won’t date Black women, and then you have those who have a light skin fetish. This is where we get to the root of the Black community’s problem—this internalized colorist attitude. There are so many beautiful dark-skinned women, and many will overlook them and go for those with lighter skin.

The problem is the attitude towards dark-skinned women. Black women are consistently disrespected and targeted. Being told that they are “too dark,” “ugly,” or would make “dark babies,”. This idea of not finding “dark babies” cute or desirable is disheartening to hear all the time. It’s all over Twitter -- this admiration and in extreme cases fetishization of light skin and mixed children. This fetishization isn’t new whatsoever however, that doesn’t make it any less disturbing. Now, this is not only Black men but pretty much everyone. Growing up, I’ve heard people claim that they would only date a Black man to have “pretty light skin babies.” Or that they would only date Black women to have mixed babies with loose curls and hazel eyes.

Do you see the problem? This odd desire to manufacture a “perfect child” in someone’s eyes is sick and twisted. One incident where a Youtube couple gave birth and the mother, a light-skinned woman, faced backlash for claiming that she was “mad the baby had brown eyes and not hazel eyes.” Many took this and began to talk about how toxic this type of attitude is.

During my interviews for this piece, I asked college students how seeing and hearing these desires made them feel. The consensus was precise and expected. It made them uncomfortable and left them concerned with the intentions of these various individuals.

“Your intentions aren’t good. They aren’t healthy,” says Zaire Adams, a film studies sophomore at Santa Monica College.

Ida Giorgis, a freshman political science major, also believes this odd desire for light skinned children to be inappropriate and says when you’re on Twitter, you're bound to see it. “I find it extremely inappropriate,” she said.

McDuff recalls a specific time where it was on Twitter repeatedly for some time. “I remember Twitter was a hotspot for talk like this, and of course, the darker-skinned Black women community was not having it and put an end to it,” she said

It seems that every time without fail, it becomes Black women’s job to explain why making bold claims like that are entirely inappropriate and downright disrespectful to women, period.

While some individuals genuinely do have a “type,” they don’t use it to justify their racist thoughts, which is how it should be. No one is saying you can’t like who you like, but that’s no excuse to bring down everyone else just because YOU think they aren’t attractive. It’s straightforward to understand, so why is it hard to practice?

“If your preference starts with ‘I wouldn’t date this type of person because of this, that, and that’ then there’s something you need to unpack within yourself,” McDuff said.

“When did preference include natural, genetic traits that one cannot change?” Giorgis asked.

Adams explains that preferences are “definitely deeper than what people think sometimes.”

Wanting to date within your race group is okay because that is where some are comfortable. It’s not uncommon, and it is beautiful to see. If you don’t want to date within your ethnic group, that is fine as well. It’s all about doing what makes you happy and ensuring that you do what’s right for you.

When preferences seem to run the dating world, you must prioritize yourself. I asked these young women how they practice self-love, they all agree that it takes time. Self-love doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s incredibly hard to carry out when it feels like the masses don’t love you or find you “worthy of their love” but, who cares.

“Your face and beauty are not what you are; it’s just what you look like; your personality makes you, you,” Giorgis said when I asked about her self-love tips.“ Do what makes you happy, not what makes others happy,” She is right.

McDuff expressed her wish for Black women to choose themselves first, and I couldn’t agree more. There comes a time when you have to understand that not everyone will be there for you, but the one person you need to make sure will be is yourself.

“If you don’t have self-love, you won’t pick the right people to love you,” Adams said.

Self-love doesn’t happen overnight and takes practice, but it is imperative to put yourself out there in the dating world.

It can be hard when it seems like no one loves us, but you get to the point in your life where it’s time to forget others and their opinions and to live in your truth doing what you think is best for you. It personally took me a long time to love myself because you always have people talking down to you or making you seem “less desirable,” but I quickly realized that I’m the one who has to live with myself for the rest of my life. I have to deal with it by myself, so why should I be hard on myself? I’m the baddest, period, and no one can tell me differently.

Preferences can exist, yes-- but when you begin to use it to tear down Black women-- it's no longer a preference, it’s prejudice.