Leaving My Relationship Let Me Love Myself

By Malorie Lazer

My freshman year of college began with a much-needed end of a toxic relationship with my high school boyfriend. I was ready to start a new, independent chapter of my life, work hard in school and spend my fall semester having the absolute best time. I found a group of friends almost instantly and they helped make school feel like home. It was such a good feeling to find my people after some recent and dramatic ends to high school friendships.

I put all of my focus into myself after ending my eleven month long high school relationship. Things were good with my ex while they lasted, but I felt like he was holding me back from being the person I wanted to be— and we just weren’t cut out for the whole high school sweethearts thing.

I was so excited to discover who I was and the person I wanted to be while living the college experience. I wasn't looking for a relationship and instead opted to focus on succeeding in school and having the time of my life.

During my freshman year, I watched friends stay in long-term relationships and casually date. I was never the type to have a lot of boyfriends or test the waters when it came to dating and I experimented with hookup culture for a little while. But I met someone and fell in love the spring semester of freshman year.

We met during a difficult time. I was struggling with self-image and questioning some of my decisions. I was feeling unlovable to anyone. Meeting him happened so unexpectedly and we fell in love so quickly. He made me remember I was worthy of love, regardless of what I was going through.

We were a match right away and became a big part of each other’s lives. On our first date, I played my favorite Fleetwood Mac song, the one I’d joke and say was going to be my wedding song. I never met a boy who was into that kind of music and when he heard me play that song, he told me how much he loved it. It was the little things that made everything feel so perfect and meant to be. A friend, who never liked a boyfriend of mine before, even gave me approval! I was getting all the right signs and the stars seemed to be aligning just for us.

He made me feel like I was glowing. It was the happiest I ever felt being with someone. It wasn't the kind of relationship where we were each other’s only happiness, but instead we added to each other’s joy. I even found myself doing better in school because he was someone who motivated me.

There was a time, though, where I found we became too dependent on one another. I didn’t remember what it felt like to be alone and live independently. It was great having someone to be there for me through anything, but I missed being able to focus fully on myself. When we weren’t with each other, we were always texting. We both had off campus apartments and it was easy to be with each other all the time without realizing we were becoming codependent. I enjoyed all the time we spent together, but I could sense us building unhealthy relationship habits. We needed our time and space apart from each other to be our own people again. And as good things too often come to an end, we began drifting apart.

Once the pandemic struck, we were forced to leave each other and return to our hometowns. When we weren’t at school, we went long distance and eventually that became too hard. I became too comfortable being away from him. I stopped getting excited when I saw his name in my phone. It began to feel more like talking was something we had to do, rather than something we wanted to do. Neither of us had the time or energy to put into our relationship anymore and we made the tough decision. That's the sad thing about our break up–– nothing bad happened. We just fell out of love.

To this day we still remain friends. It is nice staying in each other’s lives and getting to grow on our own. It was difficult being away from him when we first left each other, but as time went by I enjoyed being alone— and I could tell he did, too. It was a hard decision to make, but we knew it was the right one. I never realized just how much I relied on him, until I was forced to spend time at home by myself.

People come into our lives for a reason and anything that is meant to be, will be. I developed alongside my ex-boyfriend greatly, but I have grown and flourished even more from being on my own. I spent time after our break up doing all the things I forgot I loved to do. I reconnected with friends and focused on becoming a person I loved to be around. Don’t get me wrong, I did love myself in a way. I just realized I’m twenty years old and have so much time to spend with someone else. I’m not always going to be this young and there’s still so much left in the world for me to see and do on my own. It was great having someone to share these experiences with, but I felt like I needed to spend some time with myself.

It has only been three months since we decided to break up so the break up is still quite fresh. I’m getting through it everyday as I discovered what it is like to truly love the person I am. I’ve been thinking more about the future, where I want to be after college and who I want to be there with me. I spent the summer with a small group of friends having the best time we possibly could despite the circumstances we all faced due to Covid-19. It was nice to fall back in love with myself and build relationships with my friends more deeply. Whenever I’m in a relationship I feel some guilt, as if I dedicate too much time to my boyfriend rather than my friends. I spent the summer with a few friends who supported me and helped me take my mind off the break up.

It’s a great thing to be in love in college. But now beginning my junior year, I need space.

Sometimes the wrong things happen for all the right reasons. Have fun in college; with yourself, with your friends and maybe, if the time is right, with a significant other. This time is for soul searching and discovering who you are. At the end of the day, all you can do is surround yourself with those special people who make you feel your happiest and you’ll find happiness within yourself. I did.