Love Through A Screen
By: Juliana DiCesare
Camera rolls filled with an embarrassing amount of versions of the same selfie, the perfect VSCO filter, a caption that will make us seem witty, interesting, or worthy of others’ attention. We pour our time and energy into a carefully curated image of our life on social media, but what we produce instead is an incomplete reality.
The toxicity of social media isn’t a revelation.
What’s scary is that many of us ignore the reality of it. When the likes and comments roll in, the validation and love we seem to receive is worth cropping out bits of ourselves that don’t fit the narrative we’ve decided to create.
Photo by Oleg Magni on Unsplash
In the current state of the world, our need for connection is intensified. Social media is our outlet to bridge the gap left by physical isolation. We’re left asking, “Does anyone still see me?” as we interact predominantly through our screens.
“I feel like we’re so reliant on [social media] to feel something, to feel fulfilled,” says Brielle Berry, a sophomore journalism major.
Jacquie O’Malley, M.Ed. is a mindfulness therapist and co-founder of Project Mindful: A mindfulness program based in and around Philadelphia. In 2001, Jacquie received her Masters in counseling psychology from Temple (Go Owls 🦉). If the meditation app Headspace became a real person, it would be Jacquie. She has great insight on the topic.
New Game, Same Old Brain.
To understand why social media leaves us craving validation, it can be helpful to delve into the psychology behind it. Social media is relatively new, but it speaks to the oldest structure in our brain: the amygdala.
Amongst a host of other functions, the amygdala is responsible for our emotions. Fear, as an example, can lend itself to a feeling of scarcity or inadequacy. Subsequently, there’s a compulsion to compare. Social media is the perfect storm for this.
“We are constant in that comparison,” O’Malley says. “There’s the feeling of either not being good enough, or being ‘better than’ when we’re looking at other people’s posts. We never feel connected to our enough-ness.”
Newer parts of our brain, i.e. the prefrontal cortex, rationalize that the validation we glean from social media is usually surface-level. But when we are constantly engaged with social media, feelings of scarcity and lack of self-satisfaction grow stronger in our neural circuitry.
“It shows you the power of wanting to be liked. We’ll do anything, even when it doesn’t create any deeper connection,” O’Malley explained.
The act of acknowledging our misappraisal of social media allows us to take a step back. Here, we can begin to change our habits and beliefs around it.
It’s daunting to challenge our relationship to social media, but there’s no time like the present to re-evaluate and set boundaries.
Boundaries and Intentions
Two equally important sides to consider: what we engage with and what we put forth.
What clogs the infinity scroll of our timelines has an impact—consciously or not—on our self-perception.
In terms of who and what we permit on our feeds, the key can be as simple as noticing how we feel when we see it. This doesn’t mean we should eradicate educational content that may be hard to face. Instead, taking this moment of reflection allows us to set boundaries around content that leads us back to personal lack and insecurity.
“If it doesn’t fill you up or build you up, you don’t want to be spending time there,” O’Malley says.
We should also set intentions around what we’re posting.
“It’s a question you ask yourself,” O’Malley says, closing her eyes in reflection. “‘Is my intention to have people like it? Is my intention to feel good about myself? Is my intention to get attention?’”
Love and Validity Minus the Screen
The love and acceptance we seek are best cultivated outside of the virtual world. It’s easy to lose touch with this truth when our lives feel as if they exist solely in that space. But, the rut that many of us feel we are in can be an opportunity for growth. We can start the work of validating ourselves, beginning with what truly fulfills us.
“I think we get caught up in things that aren’t real. I just think we need to be present” says Berry.
“When you were a child, what brought you joy?” O’Malley asks.
The intent isn’t to rekindle our love for princesses or dinosaurs. It’s about finding the underlying passions and interests we had when we didn’t care about the judgment of others. What do you love to do regardless of if anyone is watching or not?
“Because I practice this idea of loving myself no matter what, I have to choose to be brave [and] real,” O’Malley says.
We can operate from a place of authenticity when we find the things in life that bring us deeper satisfaction than social media. This authenticity, besides presenting itself in our content, is even more important in building our off-screen relationships. O’Malley notes that deep connections are our biggest indicator of a joyful life.
There’s one final note to keep in mind.
“You’re worthy just because you were born. Not because of anything you’ve done, do, or will do,” O’Malley emphasized.
At the end of the day, our relationship with social media is highly individual. Perhaps you don’t feel negatively impacted whatsoever. But for those that do, consider this article your reminder to check in with your social media intentions, be kind to yourself, and know that you’re inherently valuable.