Condom Guilt

Photo by Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition on Unsplash

By Rebekah Harding

Wearing a condom is like taking a shower in a raincoat: the slogan all the local penis-havers just can’t seem to get enough of. For some users, the reluctance to “suit up” would make you believe it even hurts to wear one! 

Talking to a new partner about your contraceptive preferences or asking an existing partner to switch up your usual protection routine can be uncomfortable, but what happens when your condom enthusiasm isn’t reciprocated? 

Emma*, a sophomore Spanish major, found herself feeling guilty after having to convince a sexual partner to use condoms after previous unprotected encounters.

“Their reasoning was that we had ‘raw sex’ before so why bother now,” Emma explained. “While after I insisted on using a condom they agreed, it made me feel guilty and as if I were denying my partner some sort of pleasure that couldn’t be attained when using a condom.”

While condoms can decrease some of the sensations during penetrative sex, protecting yourself from disease and pregnancy should leave you feeling relieved—not guilty. Reflecting on her experience, Emma has come to realize that partners pushing back on condoms aren’t necessarily acting out of malice, but mostly in reinforced acceptance of self-interest. 

“I feel like we need to empower people who have to convince their partner to use some sort of barrier method of protection,” Emma said. “[People who push back on condoms] aren’t necessarily in the wrong. Their behavior has been reinforced, and it reassures them that what they’re doing is ok whether or not their intentions are bad or not.”

Photo by Rebekah Harding

This kind of vocal opposition a partner’s request for barrier protection falls under what the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists calls “reproductive and sexual coercion,” in which one sexual partner tries to enact control over another partner’s contraceptive preferences and choices, especially when they have differing views on reproductive planning. 

This can even take form in a partner insisting that you take hormonal birth control against your own desires so that the pregnancy prevention in the encounter becomes your responsibility. While its ultra-convenient and effective pregnancy prevention has become somewhat standard for college women, hormonal birth control isn’t for everyone.

Kelly*, a sophomore public relations major, and her partner opt for condoms since going on the pill would require an unwanted dosage increase on her other medication. Luckily, Kelly’s partner has been super receptive to using barrier contraceptives, especially since that’s the expectation that’s been set from the beginning. 

“My boyfriend is a product of a broken condom and a failed Plan B,” Kelly said. “When we were navigating the conversation about like being safe while having sex, it was very easy for him to be like, ‘I’ll wear a condom.’ I’m very lucky.”

Brittany Robinson, the wellness education program coordinator at Temple University’s Wellness Resource Center, knows that jumping into these important conversations can be anxiety-inducing and uncomfortable, but she offered a bit of insight for students navigating the world of advocating for their contraceptive preferences.

“I would really want to just encourage that student to really think about the circumstances that would really allow them to feel most comfortable in a sexual encounter and allow them to feel most connected to a partner,” Robinson explained. “And when you really approach it that way, this should be something that is like a two-way opportunity and a dialogue for all partners to be a part of. It's really an opportunity also to communicate our wants and our desires, and our boundaries as well.”

The WRC offers peer education programs like Sex Jeopardy and Cultivating Healthy Sexuality to facilitate discussions between students and one-on-one Wellness Consultations on how to navigate topics like contraceptive decisions and discussions with sexual partners about what type of protection is important to you. 

Cover photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash